It is a particular Guest Post by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer girl blog site that’s hilarious and wise and somewhat perverse and
WE THINK IT’S GREAT
. Wouldn’t end up being a terrible idea setting apart some time and get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, when you haven’t currently. Just make sure you come back here to read this post, since it is unique, as above mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the friend. Everyone had gotten your own pal? Great. Hang on tight towards buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this might be a genuine story.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, when I was thus newly gay I Did Not even comprehend I Found Myself recently homosexual…

An how to meet older lesbians in the now-defunct queer club labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely only indeed there to dancing)


provided me with some advice:

1)


Never ever open a mutual checking account together with your fan



2)


Do not fake sexual climaxes



3)


Be sure a female’s nails are clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in the woman late 40’s, an age-group so far from the my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t also envision what it should be like to be thus ancient.

How sad, I thought. Here this woman is at a bar and she is outdated. I’m hoping I really don’t find yourself lonely like her.

Isn’t it fun to be the center of your personal world?

Just what a little shit I was.

For whatever reason, however, I was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying her three guidelines to me.

As I woke upwards, I was thinking of them.

It was kind of like during the sterling silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be billed by Aslan to keep in mind The indicators.


You shouldn’t become that you do not re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least once a year.

Anyhow! throughout the years, I always recalled the 3 existence classes the lesbian had taught me personally. Her information produced good sense.

We never unsealed a combined checking account with any person.

I never ever faked sexual climaxes once again following the first few occasions used to do it, realizing I found myself, actually, dooming myself personally to a continuous period of shitty intercourse by worthwhile bad performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly privately examined a female’s nails before I slept with her.

Brief? Check.

No rough sides? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It’s go time.

But precisely why, nymphos?


What’s the big deal about fingernails?


What is with all the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

I mean, alright, I have it. It’s harder to shag with long nails. You might possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it’s not difficult. I’ve had long fingernails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all that tough — you merely make sure to make use of the pads of your fingers.

So just why was actually that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean nails?

All of you, she ended up being



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to-do some debunking.

Undoubtedly absolutely nothing could truly occur should you got banged by someone with dirty fingernails.

Then I recalled a story thus horrible I would nearly forgotten it.

Homos.

Poor crap can occur.

This terror story involves united states courtesy of my good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” that seen a lot more cunt in heat than a kitty center on 100 % free Spay time.

Okay.

Cai


was in Miami when she came across a really hot femme we will call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like glucose snacks cooking, used a leopard-print bikini, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered during the light, plus possessed one of the best asses


Cai


had previously viewed.

She privately texted me a picture of

Katie

at the swimming pool so she could brag, and I texted straight back,


“I would strike that till my hand fell down.”

Therefore, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


house that evening. There was basically some major consuming.

While undressing


Katie


in half-light,


Cai


noticed one thing she hadn’t really noticed prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.

In reality,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot prevent the psychological picture of the nails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, so animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


also try to let

Katie


bang her, and even though she ordinarily never ever lets anybody do this. Precisely what the hell, she realized. Heading residence the next day. Never see this girl again. I will get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

Anything was actually wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Honestly, honestly incorrect. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was actually oozing from this. And when I state some I mean extortionate. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


would not go directly to the lady-doctor.

Because getting encouraging is what relationship is focused on, whenever she informed me, I said,


“so that you finally got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and turned into believing that she performed, without a doubt have actually gonorrhea. She went, for the first time actually ever


(she was 28),


to our queer-friendly area gyno center.

They did not understand what was actually incorrect together.

They tested their for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was a student in some discomfort. She required responses. She was in fact getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for nearly 30 days now.

So they really offered this lady an ultrasound.

AND MIGHT YOU GUESS WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All around the inside the woman vag.

A significant load of tears.

Cai


have been ripped to shreds. The woman insides happened to be clinging in ribbons. Looked like crepe-paper birthday accessories within.

And everything – every final inch – ended up being contaminated.

It could appear that when Katie used her fabulous long fingernails supply

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody realized that the woman fingernails had been in addition a festering reproduction ground for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Astonishing.

Cai


claims to are a stone-cold very top since that time.

My companion wikipedia says you can get nasty attacks from filthy nails. Apparently, you can find occasionally staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, that may trigger everything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That smart lesbian had been spot-on along with her existence instructions.

Never ever open up a shared checking account together with your enthusiast.

Never ever fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of god, check-out a unique key’s fingernails before screwing.

Or perhaps you are condemned to experience the fortune of Cai.

THE END

I Must wonder, though…

Have of y’all ever received anything terrible from another girl’s fingers?

Or observed a person that did?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My personal hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell container.

I want responses.